i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
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Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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