I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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