I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
