bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
