I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
