Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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