Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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