I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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