I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
