So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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