What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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