haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
