I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
