Princesses don't give blow jobs
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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