My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
