he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
