I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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