as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
