I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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