i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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