Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
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I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
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Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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