Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
