he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
