i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
