She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
