Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
