Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
