And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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