I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
