He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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