I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
