I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
