Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
