i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
