you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
