it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
