Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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