god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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