on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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