the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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