at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
