bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
