I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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