I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Non-Jews are for practice
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
