My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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