she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
