Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
