Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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