oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
