Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Randomize
