Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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