Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
