thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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