this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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