don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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