I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
