I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
