based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
