Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
