I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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