At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
