don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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