I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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